How Dare You!?!

It seems like forever that my little girl hasn't been well. I know it hasn't been forever, but it seems long as the one who cares for and bears the burdens of my sweet girl. From September when she hurt her foot in gymnastics, she has been on crutches. The first week of October, she got her second boot with a broken foot that took them three long weeks to discover...all the while she cried to me, "Mommy my foot hurts!" If you are a parent, then you know what it feels like to see your child hurting or in pain. It stinks. You just want to be able to make it better. Period. As the months have passed, what started as a hurt foot has become a horrible sickness that is wreaking havoc on my child's body. I HATE WATCHING HER HURT. I HATE HEARING HER CRY. I HATE IT. In the past week, it has escalated so that her pain makes me cry...she ails, moans, and screams most of the day, from 7 am to 12-1am...It is horrible. It breaks my heart.

I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for her or me...I tell you this for a much greater reason. I tell you this because I have found a beautiful hope and silver lining in this terrible, sad pain. While in church a couple weeks ago, we sang these words: "You the perfect Holy One, crushed Your Son..." WHAT? He crushed His own Son? Why yes, in fact He did. The Scriptures tell us:

"Yet it pleased the LORD to bruise Him;
He has put Him to grief." Is 53:10

He bruised His own Son and He watched His own Son die the most atrocious death. The Scriptures tell us that Jesus, the Son, was beaten so that He was unrecognizable...even beyond looking human any longer. Jesus took the suffering and beating of a lifetime, sweating drops of blood, His very back ripped to shreds, and the hairs of His beard torn straight out of His face. And His Father watched. Not only did He watch, He allowed it to happened. He ordained it to happen. He watched the only Son He had be tortured...and for WHAT? For you!!!!!! He is a perfect and Holy God and requires perfection as the price for salvation and eternal life. He knew you couldn't ever be perfect, so He let His perfect Son be tortured in your stead.
The Scripture also says,

"He was wounded for our transgressions (sins),
He was bruised for our iniquities.
The chastisement for our sin was upon Him,
And by His strips we are healed." Is. 53:5

Let us be careful to never think that God is not good. Let us ever be mindful as we suffer that He understands suffering. He understands hurt. He experienced grief watching His own be put to death and for us at that. How dare we ever say that He is not good!!!! How dare we ever think that He doesn't understand!! He is ultimate good and ultimate beauty and ultimate perfection. And we need Him, Oh how we need Him! We need Him to walk these hard days and we need Him to enter the kingdom of our Lord for all eternity. It will be so good there. He is preparing for us a place. There'll be no more pain there, no more tears, and Jesus will be there...and all will be right and good. I hope and pray when the evil one tempts you to think that God is not good, you will remember what He did for you in letting His Son be put to grief and death for you. I pray you give your life to this God, to Christ, who gave His all for you. He makes life worth living and He is the only good worth living for. Love you, friends. xo

In Every Diagnosis, He is Good

This has been the season sickness and health difficulties in our home. From September when I found out of my issues and when Norah first injured her right foot, things have been harder than normal here. Certainly not harder than many people's trials, but for us we've been needing extra grace here. Norah broke her foot back in the first week of October. It took the doctors a few weeks to find the broken bones,but when they finally did she was put in the cast like any normal kid and sent home to heal. Well,a very long story short her healing hasn't come as we expected. And we've been walking the road of trying to find out what is wrong with our poor sweet girl. A very very long story short, she has been finally Officially diagnosed by specialist at UVA hospital with what we expected, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. The diagnosis is a complication stemming from her broken foot and it is a nerve condition affecting the autonomic nervous system and the central nervous system. What it really does is starts with the injured limb with abnormal amounts of pain,contortion and as time goes on it progresses to more and more symptoms which Norah is currently seeing and feeling. Her full body is in pain a lot of the time. Some days she looks fairly normal but she is always suffering. She has a cold little limp leg and foot and is in pain most of the time, well I think she would say all of the time. She wakes during the night and cries out in pain and discomfort. As of last Sunday this disorder has also taken her bladder function. I know you can hardly believe that probably if you know what I've been through lately. But due to the numbness and nerve issues she cannot control her bladder. And my sweet beautiful almost 9-year-old now has to wear diapers again. She is going through so very much.We are so thankful to have officially have a diagnosis. There are not many hospitals in the country that service children with this disorder. The hospital at UVA wants to do a treatment to her that would put her in the ICU for a week. They are not accustomed to using this treatment on children and we have done some research and are not comfortable with her having that sort of drug treatment. They are telling us we need to move quickly in getting her treatment. There is a hospital in Philadelphia that specializes in this problem in children. We have applied there and we are waiting to get her the right help.
We are constantly looking to the Shepherd, the good Shepherd of our souls. We're asking HIM to lead and guide and direct our psth. We hate seeing our little girl suffer. But we know that He is in perfect control and that He is walking this with us. We live in a world full of sin and suffering, but He is not absent. Christ has suffered the ultimate suffering for us and has compassion on us in our sufferings. We know that what his word says is true, "and we know that ALL things work together for good to those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose." Norah is putting all her trust in the Lord and we are too. She is a beautiful testimony of God's grace. He is truly good and we know it deep within our souls.

Laughing At Days to Come

So this has been a long fall. When I found out in September that I had to have surgery for somethings that were no longer working as they should be in my body, I found myself in a bundle of anxiety. So many thoughts, uncertainties, wanting to be in control of the situation, but being at a complete loss to control anything. I knew God was calling me trust Him, and I was trying to but I could feel myself resisting in part. For my birthday I picked out a necklace with the prayer of my heart, "She is clothed with strength and dignity. She laughs at the future without fear". Oh how I longed to make that the prayer of my heart in my health issues and every part of my life. Nevertheless, I was holding back a bit. But One morning in church, we sang a song called "Sovereign Over Us". It was then that the LORD sent such a precious peace to my heart and began to help me to let go and let Him do whatever He wanted to do. The words said, "Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us, You're with us in the fire and the flood. You're faithful forever, perfect in love, You are Sovereign Over us." Sovereign...possessing supreme or ultimate power...not out of control, not caught off guard. Ahhh, at that moment my hands and eyes were opened to Him...to let Him do whatever He sees fit to do, to leave my life in the perfect control of the God of the Universe, Whom I know loves me, because He sent His very Son to die for me. I need not worry or fear the days to come, I could laugh at them, without fear.

I wish I could say that everyday in the days preceding my surgery I was laughing at the days to come, I was not. I had good days and some not so good days. Well surgery day has come and gone, almost a month now. Everything went as planned and I didn't die! LOL! (My morbid self considered that an possibility ;) )

But something went a little wrong with my bladder that day. I could no longer pee! And a very long story short, I went home with a bag attached to me and was in the waiting for a few days. When it was time to remove, I was excited to be able to be free and go again, except I still couldn't pee. So we went another so many days, and yup, no pee. So a great nightmare of mine came true, and I had to learn to self-catherize! But God gave me grace, and as I stood crying in my room in pain from surgery and grieving over not being able to go to the bathroom and having to catherize myself, I STARTED LAUGHING, while I was crying, but I was laughing. I laughed because in a very real way I could feel God's strength raining down on me and whispering to me to count it joy to suffer. "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, KNOWING that the testing of your faith produces patience." As the days went on I could hear the Spirit of God, not in an audible voice, but in my heart, telling me to "COUNT it JOY". And the unbelievable thing is that He is giving me strength and grace as I walk through my bladder not working. I don't have an agenda. I don't feel the need to control things. I don't need an answer by a certain day. I am just rejoicing that He is using this to turn my heart to Him. I am praying more. I am more burdened for those who are really in greater pain and trouble than I have ever seen. I am awake more in the middle of the night, and so I am praying. I see how distracted I can be from spending good time in His word and praying and this trial of my bladder is helping me to turn more to Him. And I have a joy that cannot be explained in any other way than it is straight from Him. "Great peace have they who love Your law and nothing can make them stumble". Psalm 119:165.

So as I head off to the restroom to do something that horrified me and I thought I could never do, I laugh. I laugh at the unbelievable to me-- that He has given me joy in the middle of the struggle. I rejoice that the LORD loves me and in the middle of difficulty He is drawing me closer to Himself. I laugh at days to come (though I still fear at times- I haven't arrived by any means)...knowing that the One Who is helping me to catherize myself every couple hours will give me strength and grace to face whatever lies ahead in my future days. I pray that He would continue to give me the faith to trust Him in the days of uncertainty ahead, the possibility of more surgery and all that entails. He is so good and I am so thankful that He calls me His child! What a privilege it is!!! xo

Useful to Him

For almost my entire life, I think, I've wanted God to use me. Sometimes over the years, I thought it needed to be something big, or miraculous, or really noble. Through a crisis in my life He taught me that being used by Him might not be monumental, or noble, or big or even readily visible to me everyday in the ways that I thought it might be. I remember thinking that He needed me and if I messed up, everything would be messed up. What pressure! But praise be to God, He showed me how much bigger He is than that!!!! He doesn't really need me, but gives me the pleasure of being used by Him.

Sometimes what He has wanted from me has been very clear and sometimes the ways He's used me have been crystal clear. There have been other times when I have felt as if I was grappling, reaching to find what He wanted from me or how I could be used by Him. Sometimes I am tempted to fret that I need to go and find out what He wants from me, how He may see fit to use me, what purpose He has for me...I guess I get overwhelmed with all the causes in the world, all the hurt, all the things that need fixing and all the people that need help. Sometimes my tender heart is overstimulated and flooded and I don't know what good cause to focus my heart on, or my time, or my talents or my energy.

But even as my heart is confused or worried about what my purpose is in the grand scheme of life, I hear the Spirit of the LORD saying good things to me:



"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" ~Philippians 1:6

"In a large house there article not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some for honor and some for dishonor. If anyone cleanses himself of the latter he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work." ~2 Timothy 2:20-21

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, that He has prepared beforehand,that we should walk in them." ~Ephesians 2:10

And for practicality purposes, I know what the will of God is for me in simple ways...

...to love my husband, and to love my children ~Titus 2
...to do justice, love mercy and to walk humbly with my God ~ Micah 6:8
...to pray without ceasing ~Philippians

And a heart that even a few minutes ago was whirling around wondering what God wants from my life in the grand scheme, is brought to peace and all from His word.
He will do it. I must, in His strength, cleanse myself of worldly things, and He will use me for whatever good that HE has ALREADY prepared for me to walk in. So no need to fret, my dear heart, He will do it. He began the work in me me. He will complete it until I get to see Him face to face.

Law of Kindness

Proverbs 31 is a very popular Proverb and many people frequently use it to lay out this amazing woman to imitate. She has many wonderful qualities. So many qualities I long for and pray that the LORD make real in my life. One that has been coming up quite often, even in my dealings with my own children is the phrase, "and on her tongue is the law of kindness". I love that. I also am cut to the heart by that small phrase.

The Holy Spirit has been speaking to my heart lately and reminding me that when I sin in tongue, that is one of the things Christ had to die for. When I choose to speak angrily, rudely or unkindly in any way because I feel like I "need to", I am sinning. And for that sin, for the convenience and lack of self-control in my life, Christ died. I don't want to be so flippant with my words that I just speak them and ask for forgiveness later. Christ had to pay for that and I want to choose words that bring life rather than death.

Today my Pastor was speaking and teaching us that our sins are like arrows into the heart of the LORD. Every time I sin, it is like an arrow into His heart. I don't want to continually shoot arrows of grief into my Savior's heart. Sin is grievous to the heart of God. Yes, Jesus swallows up all my punishment in the cross and covers my sins with His blood. That should not be license for me to sin with my mouth. If I can make an active choice to have the law of kindness on my tongue, let this happen in my life, OH GOD!

What is the "Law of Kindness" and what does that look like fleshed out in my life? How can that be made more true in my life? I would say that the largest portion of my sins fall from my lips. I am a talker, so my words are many. The
Bible says that none of us are perfect in our words. So, all of us, have room for improvement, me first in line.

The Law of Kindness on my tongue:

Being patient in words with my children, husband and others... "Love is patient, love is kind..."
Not saying the mean or grumbling thought that comes to my mind when someone offends me..."Do all things without complaining or disputing..."
Saying words that only build up others..."speaking the truth in love..."
Refraining from yelling or negative speech...about anyone anywhere...



"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification [b]according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear." ~Ephesians 4:29



Who will with me, this week, seek the heart of God to be a woman on whose tongue is the "Law of Kindness"? Let's write on our refrigerators, by our sinks, on our mirrors, on our hands and God be pleased to write it on our hearts!!!!!! May we be those who it can be said, "on her tongue is the law of kindness". AMEN!!!
~Theresa xo