Laughing At Days to Come

So this has been a long fall. When I found out in September that I had to have surgery for somethings that were no longer working as they should be in my body, I found myself in a bundle of anxiety. So many thoughts, uncertainties, wanting to be in control of the situation, but being at a complete loss to control anything. I knew God was calling me trust Him, and I was trying to but I could feel myself resisting in part. For my birthday I picked out a necklace with the prayer of my heart, "She is clothed with strength and dignity. She laughs at the future without fear". Oh how I longed to make that the prayer of my heart in my health issues and every part of my life. Nevertheless, I was holding back a bit. But One morning in church, we sang a song called "Sovereign Over Us". It was then that the LORD sent such a precious peace to my heart and began to help me to let go and let Him do whatever He wanted to do. The words said, "Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us, You're with us in the fire and the flood. You're faithful forever, perfect in love, You are Sovereign Over us." Sovereign...possessing supreme or ultimate power...not out of control, not caught off guard. Ahhh, at that moment my hands and eyes were opened to Him...to let Him do whatever He sees fit to do, to leave my life in the perfect control of the God of the Universe, Whom I know loves me, because He sent His very Son to die for me. I need not worry or fear the days to come, I could laugh at them, without fear.

I wish I could say that everyday in the days preceding my surgery I was laughing at the days to come, I was not. I had good days and some not so good days. Well surgery day has come and gone, almost a month now. Everything went as planned and I didn't die! LOL! (My morbid self considered that an possibility ;) )

But something went a little wrong with my bladder that day. I could no longer pee! And a very long story short, I went home with a bag attached to me and was in the waiting for a few days. When it was time to remove, I was excited to be able to be free and go again, except I still couldn't pee. So we went another so many days, and yup, no pee. So a great nightmare of mine came true, and I had to learn to self-catherize! But God gave me grace, and as I stood crying in my room in pain from surgery and grieving over not being able to go to the bathroom and having to catherize myself, I STARTED LAUGHING, while I was crying, but I was laughing. I laughed because in a very real way I could feel God's strength raining down on me and whispering to me to count it joy to suffer. "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, KNOWING that the testing of your faith produces patience." As the days went on I could hear the Spirit of God, not in an audible voice, but in my heart, telling me to "COUNT it JOY". And the unbelievable thing is that He is giving me strength and grace as I walk through my bladder not working. I don't have an agenda. I don't feel the need to control things. I don't need an answer by a certain day. I am just rejoicing that He is using this to turn my heart to Him. I am praying more. I am more burdened for those who are really in greater pain and trouble than I have ever seen. I am awake more in the middle of the night, and so I am praying. I see how distracted I can be from spending good time in His word and praying and this trial of my bladder is helping me to turn more to Him. And I have a joy that cannot be explained in any other way than it is straight from Him. "Great peace have they who love Your law and nothing can make them stumble". Psalm 119:165.

So as I head off to the restroom to do something that horrified me and I thought I could never do, I laugh. I laugh at the unbelievable to me-- that He has given me joy in the middle of the struggle. I rejoice that the LORD loves me and in the middle of difficulty He is drawing me closer to Himself. I laugh at days to come (though I still fear at times- I haven't arrived by any means)...knowing that the One Who is helping me to catherize myself every couple hours will give me strength and grace to face whatever lies ahead in my future days. I pray that He would continue to give me the faith to trust Him in the days of uncertainty ahead, the possibility of more surgery and all that entails. He is so good and I am so thankful that He calls me His child! What a privilege it is!!! xo