"How is it between us, Lord?"

I have felt a bit unsettled in the past couple of weeks...couldn't really put my finger on it and maybe haven't found the exact ONE thing that has been causing it, but one thing I do know, is that the Spirit of the Lord, is calling me. Knocking on the door of my heart and calling me to draw closer. I feel the need, NO, I know I need to be more disciplined in my walk with Christ in very practical ways. I love Him, know I do, love Him desperately, but I need a closer walk.

So, I have sensed, by the Spirit, there are things lacking. Consistent, earnest time on my knees before Him, is one. Meditating and memorizing His Word in large doses, another. Staying away from things that distract me from these endeavors. That namely being facebook. Though I use facebook as a platform to share Christ all the time, I am finding that I am going to the computer too often, checking email, facebook... and it distracting me and keeping me from things that I should be doing, like praying, reading, memorizing.

All this to say that I hear the Spirit and I acknowledge that I need to walk closer, more intimately with Christ, my Savior.

I think the most appropriate song, because I always think in song, is "How is it between us?" by none other than my favorite singer, Sara Groves. Utterly appropriate!

How is it between us? How is it between us?
When did I talk to You last,
and what has happened since?
How is it between us? How is it between us?
When did I talk to you last,
and what has happened?

When I wake up I am on my way,
reinventing the wheel and saving the day.
I have learned this lesson a thousand times,
I am the branch, and You are the vine.
Apart from You we are mice and men,
With our fancy dreams of grandeur and
no way to get there.
Oh, I can think about You now and then,
Or I can make a mark on eternity.
Lord, first of all, how is it between You and me?

So let the wicked prosper,
let the oceans roar,
let the mountains crumble
and fall into the sea.
There's something more important
weighing on my mind.
Lord, first of all, how is it between You and me?

If You've Ever Wanted to Be Perfect

Last night I was down the basement looking for my next book to read on my summer reading list...I came across some old journals, I grabbed 2 of them and brought them to the living room to browse. They were the journals of my friendship, dating and engagement periods with my hubby, Mark. Many people may know that I struggled desperately to decide if marrying Mark was God's plan for me. I was mistaken in my belief system at the time and believed that I could ruin God's plan for my life and everyone else's by making one "wrong" choice. Not fully understanding the way God works (not that I fully understand it now), I plunged into a deep depression, seeking God to find out if I "should marry Mark" or go to India, as I had planned. Well, long story short, after our engagement, I began a downward spiral to clinical depression, solely because I wanted to make the right choice for God, I wanted to do everything perfectly.

Well, I, believe it or not, (wink, wink), am in no wise perfect, though I want so desperately to be. Many nights during that seeking, dark time, I would plan to walk down the dorm's 3 floors and lay myself on the train tracks, and end it all. So many nights, I pondered, thought it over, came close to doing it. I felt hopeless, so unable to do all the right things. It felt so hard that it seemed like I had to kill myself, because I couldn't possibly get it all right.

Well, that was of course irrational, but it seemed so real. So real. It wasn't God that was telling me I needed to be perfect and get it all straight and make the only right decision there was, to find that DOT for my life, so I wouldn't mess everything up. He is so much bigger than that. He was saying, all the while,


“Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

Tonight, I was reminded again of this, as I read an article called "The Pitfall of Perfectionism". http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tullian/2011/06/02/the-pitfall-of-perfectionism/
It started out about a girl who had killed herself, a girl who loved and served God. Well, it just reminded me, first of all, how blessed I am to still be alive and that He kept me, held me, guided me through that dark time, so that I am still alive today. But it also encouraged me to listen to the Savior, to get my eyes off of what I must do, what I can't do, how I am failing and to get my eyes on the Savior. Here is a great portion of that article, he is referring to three separate individuals, all whom were at the end of themselves, desperate:

Nobody told them that Jesus was perfect for them, and because of that they didn’t have to be perfect for themselves. They didn’t understand that if Jesus makes you free, you will be free indeed.

Christian, please remember that Jesus plus nothing equals everything. That,

Because Jesus was strong for you, you’re free to be weak;

Because Jesus won for you, you’re free to lose;

Because Jesus was Someone, you’re free to be no one;

Because Jesus was extraordinary, you’re free to be ordinary;

Because Jesus succeeded for you, you’re free to fail.

Preaching the gospel is the only thing that helps us take our eyes off ourselves and how we’re doing and fix our eyes on Christ, the author and perfecter of our faith. Jesus fulfilled all of God’s perfect conditions so that our relationship to God could be perfectly unconditional.

You’re free!

So if you've ever wanted to be perfect, for the sake of being perfect, or to please a person, or even to please the PERSON, Christ, rest in Him tonight. His yoke is easy and His burden light, find rest for your soul. That is where I am finding my rest tonight...I need it so desperately.

Doing the Next Thing

I stood in the hallway, only minutes ago, picking up a heap of laundry, thinking of all the things that needed to be done...just felt SO overwhelmed. Felt like I was failing, feeling overwhelmed, wondering what was the most important thing to do next...this poem title came to my mind. I heard this poem read for the first time, I think, by a godly widow that I had met some years ago. She knew what it meant to be overwhelmed, caring for many little ones, without a husband, doing the drudgery of the day, wondering what was the most important thing to do next. She turned to the Savior, and I will too. This poem is a sweet reminder to do the next thing and lean on the Everlasting Arms.

Do the Next Thing

From an old English parsonage down by the sea
There came in the twilight a message to me;
Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven,
Hath, it seems to me, teaching from Heaven.
And on through the doors the quiet words ring
Like a low inspiration: “Do the next thing.”



Many a questioning, many a fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from Heaven,
Time, opportunity, and guidance are given.
Fear not tomorrows, child of the King,
Trust them with Jesus, do the next thing.


Do it immediately, do it with prayer;
Do it reliantly, casting all care;
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand
Who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on Omnipotence, safe ‘neath His wing,
Leave all results, do the next thing.


Looking for Jesus, ever serener,
Working or suffering, be thy demeanor;
In His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
The light of His countenance be thy psalm,
Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing.
Then, as He beckons thee, do the next thing.

Way Overdue on My Thousand Gifts List...

Well, I am way overdue on my 1000 gifts list...what do you know? I feel it. Struggling to stay encouraged in this journey today, lately. I am daily thankful, I know that is true, but numbering these gifts tangible and not is of great worth so here I pick up, adding some that are lying around in my little 7 gifts a day booklet and also listing more from my heart, right here, right now...

"Blessed be the Lord,
Who daily loads us with benefits,
The God of our salvation! Selah " Ps. 68:19


81. running
82. rest
83. new friends
84. opportunities to encourage
85. leftovers
86. family walks
87. sitting on the porch with my hubby
88. spring!! love this weather
89. truth speaking
90. grammar lessons
91. dinner on the deck
92. blowing bubbles with the kids
93. staring @ beautiful children
94. 2 year old putting together sentences
95. husband's encouraging words
96. wise men writing godly articles
97. watching my husband raise his hands to our Great God in worship and watching my 8 year old do the same
98. my God is Mighty to Save
99. hope
100. grace, the Lord helping pull me along on a day when I feel like I can't
101. husband's prayers for me being lifted to the Father
102. beautiful music
103. a peaceful morning without much discipline needed, seems rare these days.
104. an encouraging note from a friend.
105. protection in the midst of a car wreck before me
106. fun and silliness had with grown women
107. forgiveness...for so many things
108. the excitement of venturing into a new book
109. the fun expectation of summer
110. the opportunity, while difficult, to have all of my children home with me each day
111. the newness that every week brings
112. mercies that are new EVERY morning
113. the hope of heaven
...

When Throwing the Towel in Seems Like a Viable Option

Ever thought of that old clique, "throwing the towel in"? Just being done with what you are doing, simply because it's hard. I know there are some moms out there who have NEVER, EVER even had a moment of saying, "it's just too hard!" But that is not me. While I have NEVER, really wanted to give up, there have been many moments in my days as a mommy, that just throwing my hands up seemed like a good answer for the chaos. Do I love being a mom? YES, WHOLEHEARTEDLY!! But some minutes, hours,even some days seem difficult. Some seasons long, like the one who loves to scream "NO!" at you, or the the one who likes to contradict everything you say, or the one who just can't bring themself to try the math problem or the piano lesson, because they "can't do it!"

The baby is crying and the four year old is refusing to put on the clothes I asked her to wear, and the five year old needs the tape, and the 6 year old is pretty much over grammar for this school year and the 8 year old is struggling to learn a new math concept. And that is all going on at the EXACT same time. Oh, how I love my life! But there are fleeting, passing seconds when throwing the towel in seems like a touch of a viable option. Not really, but really. Just for that minute, just when I think I can't do it. Just when I think I can't go put that child back up in her bed again, I am so tired. I must, because she is mine and I am hers and at that moment that is the task that the LORD has given me.

Perspective is huge on a hard day. HUGE, yes, HUGE!! If I see those hard minutes as the whole of my life I get defeated. BUT if I see them as fleeting moments, quickly passing, looking to the Savior for the strength I need in my weakness, in my humanity, in my frailty, I hold tight to the towel, "NO, I am not going to throw it in!" I don't even want to. I love my life. I have such a BLESSED life. And though there is a great amount of chaos, it is a blessed chaos. The place where the grossness of my heart is revealed and where my Savior shapes me more into His image.

I read this little snippet in a devotional. I thought it was great. "So, the next time you're ready to throw in the towel and turn in your dishpan hands, remember that motherhood isn't defined by a single act or one bad day. It's cumulative: it's a thousand hugs, a thousand apologies, a thousand times you are there for your kids. You probably won't ever get credit for all you give, but he is keeping count and giving you the grace you need to continue. "

The author went on to quote 1 Cor. 9:24
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
And this was the prayer she included:
"Heavenly father, help me run with perseverance. When I get tired, encourage me. When I want to quit, carry me to the finish line. Thank you for being so faithful to me. Amen. "

Welch, Kristen (2011). Don't Make Me Come Up There! Quiet Moments for Busy Moms (Kindle Locations 281-285). Abingdon Press. Kindle Edition.