If You've Ever Wanted to Be Perfect

Last night I was down the basement looking for my next book to read on my summer reading list...I came across some old journals, I grabbed 2 of them and brought them to the living room to browse. They were the journals of my friendship, dating and engagement periods with my hubby, Mark. Many people may know that I struggled desperately to decide if marrying Mark was God's plan for me. I was mistaken in my belief system at the time and believed that I could ruin God's plan for my life and everyone else's by making one "wrong" choice. Not fully understanding the way God works (not that I fully understand it now), I plunged into a deep depression, seeking God to find out if I "should marry Mark" or go to India, as I had planned. Well, long story short, after our engagement, I began a downward spiral to clinical depression, solely because I wanted to make the right choice for God, I wanted to do everything perfectly.

Well, I, believe it or not, (wink, wink), am in no wise perfect, though I want so desperately to be. Many nights during that seeking, dark time, I would plan to walk down the dorm's 3 floors and lay myself on the train tracks, and end it all. So many nights, I pondered, thought it over, came close to doing it. I felt hopeless, so unable to do all the right things. It felt so hard that it seemed like I had to kill myself, because I couldn't possibly get it all right.

Well, that was of course irrational, but it seemed so real. So real. It wasn't God that was telling me I needed to be perfect and get it all straight and make the only right decision there was, to find that DOT for my life, so I wouldn't mess everything up. He is so much bigger than that. He was saying, all the while,


“Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

Tonight, I was reminded again of this, as I read an article called "The Pitfall of Perfectionism". http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tullian/2011/06/02/the-pitfall-of-perfectionism/
It started out about a girl who had killed herself, a girl who loved and served God. Well, it just reminded me, first of all, how blessed I am to still be alive and that He kept me, held me, guided me through that dark time, so that I am still alive today. But it also encouraged me to listen to the Savior, to get my eyes off of what I must do, what I can't do, how I am failing and to get my eyes on the Savior. Here is a great portion of that article, he is referring to three separate individuals, all whom were at the end of themselves, desperate:

Nobody told them that Jesus was perfect for them, and because of that they didn’t have to be perfect for themselves. They didn’t understand that if Jesus makes you free, you will be free indeed.

Christian, please remember that Jesus plus nothing equals everything. That,

Because Jesus was strong for you, you’re free to be weak;

Because Jesus won for you, you’re free to lose;

Because Jesus was Someone, you’re free to be no one;

Because Jesus was extraordinary, you’re free to be ordinary;

Because Jesus succeeded for you, you’re free to fail.

Preaching the gospel is the only thing that helps us take our eyes off ourselves and how we’re doing and fix our eyes on Christ, the author and perfecter of our faith. Jesus fulfilled all of God’s perfect conditions so that our relationship to God could be perfectly unconditional.

You’re free!

So if you've ever wanted to be perfect, for the sake of being perfect, or to please a person, or even to please the PERSON, Christ, rest in Him tonight. His yoke is easy and His burden light, find rest for your soul. That is where I am finding my rest tonight...I need it so desperately.