My Stone of Help

I have not written for a long time...AGAIN. That is my M.O. I suppose. But, hey, I am here today. Just because I do not write does not mean that I am not constantly reflecting. But, I write today because I know I need to. I don't want to let all these thoughts and the work of the Spirit in my heart go by and have no marker by which to remember them. Here I leave a marker, my Ebenezar.

Several months ago...almost a year ago, actually, while in the midst of a huge struggle with crazy hormones and a weight gain, I was troubled in my heart. So frustrated, as I always get over the battle that is my figure. Those who know me will know that I have struggled for almost a lifetime with excess weight and have from a young age done everything in my power to keep it off. But, I have gone to extremes and in turn done some damage to my body...that is beside the point...the point is that I always strive to be thinner and am internally frustrated over my body. This causes tears and major upset in my heart at various times in my life. (Please note: I am not looking for anyone to give me their great weight loss plan that worked for them. I probably have already done it. I know I am broken, but fixing that is not the real answer that I am dealing with today). The real issue lies deep within my heart.

All those months ago, I know that God was working in my heart to have me lay down the idols of people pleasing and my need to be thinner. He worked some of that out in my heart one day when I saw a young man in a wheel chair. It was as if I could hear the LORD whispering to me, "You have nothing to complain about, Theresa. Look at that young man. He can't walk or use his hands. He needs someone to even feed him." I was brokenhearted over my vanity and my pettiness. I could clearly see at that moment that I really had so much to be thankful for and that the 30 lbs that I was crying about was really nothing. I have health, strength, and energy. I have the ability to walk, run, feed myself, hug people with my arms. I really needed to take a step back and look at the full picture to see what was really important. God worked in my heart that day to tear some of that idol down in my heart. But that is ONE LARGE idol in my life. It seemed that it was going to take more chopping to get that thing down.

Here I am again, struggling with a weight loss and and then a weight gain again. UGGGH! I feel the frustration rising, the tears, the hatred of pictures of me. I can see the idol clearly in my heart, the thing that can make my mood sour in 2 seconds. The thing that can make me hate everything and feel overwhelmed about everything. The thing that makes me unkind to my husband and children and makes me want no one to touch me or look at me. And what did the LORD do for me the other evening??...

Sitting in the restaurant with my family, I see a man in a wheel chair and I was reminded of the thing the LORD had reminded me about. I was reminded how large I make that struggle of hating my body and how it affects my every thought and action. I consciously repented in my heart, saying, "God please let me remember this. To be thankful for ALL that I do have and not what I don't have." A bit later another family came into the restaurant and sat at the table next to us. THAT man was also in a wheelchair. I laughed to myself and thought, "OK, God. I've got the message. Thanks for the reminder!"

How kind my God was to allow me to see those men the other night! He knew what that would do in my heart and how it would help me to see the big picture. He knew how seeing those precious men in their wheelchairs would help me to remember that life isn't about being the "right" size or shape. I was so thankful for those moments there in that restaurant that helped me to once again confess my sin of idolatry. The sin of coveting what I don't have, a great figure, and forgetting to be thankful for ALL that I do have. Oh, that I would remember that day when my God gave me eyes to see more clearly than I have on other days. Thank you God for being my "stone of help", my Ebenezar. I write this today as a marker to myself to remember what God would have for me: He wants me to love Him more than anything else. He wants me to get ALL my joy and hope from HIM. He wants to be the source of my joy. My joy should not be dependant on the size of my jeans, but the greatness of my God. He is my joy, my all, my life. Let me not let the noise of other things drown out the voice of what is really important.

If I spend so much time and energy being burdened down about what I don't have in my life, I cannot spend great efforts in glorifying God with what I do have today. Health, breath, arms that are strong to help those around me, legs that can move in service to my family and neighbors, eyes that can see creation and His glory, ears that can hear music that I love so much ,a voice that can praise Him!!! LET THIS BE A MARKER, a stone of help, my Ebenezar, that He has given me clarity in my mind and heart, to look to HIM and nothing else to bring me peace, satisfaction and joy inexpressible!